No one told me that until she was born, time would stop.
Those pregnant moments of my pregnant life ticked by.
How could the Red Sox play ball? (And win?!) How could the weatherman point to clouds and sun – again? How could she talk about dinner and he talk about indigestion, when inside of me, life quickened, and fluttered…and began? Hurry up! I screamed silently, as my very fingers itched and my toes wiggled in restless anticipation and my heart murmured with every beat: “Who are you? When will you be here? Why must I wait?” The clock tocked on and on and on.
The beeps and thrums of machines in the room provided a steady soundtrack for life’s emergence. Discomfort. Beep. Breathe. Beep. Pain. Beep. Squeeze. Beep. Push. She’s HERE! Beep beep. But time didn’t stop – it fast forwarded, because in a flurry of blankets and balloons, we were home.
Everyone told me when she was little that time would fly.
Those blurry moments of a blurry life ticked by.
She needs food and I need food. She’s sleeping and I should do the dishes. She’s crying and I’m crying. She’s dressed and I need a shower. I close my eyes for a nap and how much can one baby poop? The moments crawl forward at a mind-nubing pace and I cry: Hurry up! My fingers are anxious to do something, anything besides nurturing growth, and my toes curl, uncurl as I settle in to nurse for 45 minutes that takes ten years. Time doesn’t fly – it winds and slithers and inches forward, barely.
And then, wrapping paper and cupcake paper crinkle in celebration. Two whole years, measured now not in weeks or months. We can hardly imagine how we got here. Time hasn’t flown, it careened around the years, leaving us breathless with its speed.
Suddenly someone tells me – and I hear it. My heart swells at the thought of it and yes. I can try to live into this, without crying “Hurry!” or grasping sadly, wondering how to keep the moment: the days are long, but the years are short.
© Jennifer Drummond and “That got me thinking…”, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jennifer Drummond and “That got me Thinking…” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.